Fatherland - Day Funf

Morning in Frankfurt, it's already hot, in fact I'm not sure it was ever cool.

Another odd buffet breakfast, this time they had frankfurters which was fitting considering where I was, but they also had a tray of uncooked eggs. I'm not sure what you were meant to do with these as there was nothing to cook them with, unless you put them in the toaster that is and that didn't sound like a good idea. I didn't want eggs anyway.

I had the TV remote on my table and being as I didn't understand the German news channel i changed it to an Arabic channel. I didn't understand that either but at least everyone else was in the same boat as me now.

I'd decided to do a city tour to get my bearings or get completely lost, either could happen. It was one of those open top bus tours and I was given headphones so that I could dial into the English commentary. That would have worked but they played the German so loud you could barely make out the English.

It wasn't so much a city tour, more a tour of the major banks as they seem to have had a competition to see who could make the tallest building.

The tour was due to last an hour, but they didn't mention that half way round you'd park for 15 mins to get more passengers.

After I'd seen all the banks I left and got a drink as it was around 30c.

Reenergised I headed for the shops.,they actually have some here, rather a lot in fact. However,  none of them sell mens sunglasses so after 2 hours I grabbed some lunch and a giant ice cream. Did I mention it was hot?

It was about 2 pm now so I headed back to the hotel room to recharge my phone and come up with a plan of what to do next.

All of the 'things to do in frankfurt' websites only listed the normal crap they say for every city. Go to a church, go to a museum or go to a garden. Boring.

After searching for a while I just went for a walk down by the river and then back through the city, it's nice enough and very pretty but there's not a lot to do.

I decided to make a list of things I could and couldn't do on holiday here:
Can't do:
Cinema (language), watch TV, watch sky go or Iplayer (UK only), watch YouTube (shit internet), play on the computer, build my car, go for a ride, go out for a beer with mates, read a magazine, go to work, visit people, talk to other humans, go to actual shops that sell things.
Can do:
Sit in hotel room, make lists about what you can't do.

That wasted a few hours, so time to head out for the evening, I had my eye on a pizza place opposite the hotel that was always busy, they had an English menu too. It was pretty filling despite getting the same amount of toppings I'd expect to get in Ethiopia so I moved on to town to find beer.

Oh I nearly forgot, I found a bar called Birmingham Pub, it looked like one of those flat rooved council estate pubs that would be full of stragglers, so I checked reviews on Google and it turns out that it's a gay bar. I'll give that a miss then.

Fatherland - Day Vier

I'm having to type today's blog on my phone as the hotel is only allowing one device on the network. After having to pay by the hour for wifi at the last place (not that sort of wifi!), it's not a good record for Germany so far on the Internet fronts.

Today was race day which started at 1pm and lasted 6 hours. There wasn't a lot going on before that at the circuit so I was just going to rock up an hour before. However, I got bored at the hotel so I ended up getting there at about 11.

Its a good job I did, if I thought it was busy yesterday, today was a whole other level.

I headed straight for my preferred spot and got one of the last seats, by 11:30 they'd all gone. This didn't stop people turning up 5 mins before the race, like they do at the cinema, all disappointed because there wasn't a block of 8 for their party. Idiots.

I won't bore you with a rundown of the race, but it was good and Porsche came 1st and 2nd so I was happy. With 30mins to go 2nd through to 4th were separated by half a second, so it was pretty close stuff.

As soon as the race finished I headed for the car, it's been a hot day, around 31c so the car was practically on fire.

The traffic wasn't bad considering the size of the venue, if this had been Silverstone I'd still be in the car park now. German efficiency you see.

The sat nav said it was a three hour drive which was longer than I remembered, and then I realised that I still had it avoiding motorways, so I changed that and took an hour of the journey.

This also meant that it was autobahn time, although the one I was on to start with was restricted to 130kph. Still it was full of more BMWs and Mercedes than you'd find at your typical Sikh wedding.

Eventually I got to the unrestricted section but it was now night time, and as the road was unlit it was hard to judge closing speeds and which lane people were in. Still I tried my hardest in the little fiesta but I got mullered by the flock of BMWs that were in such a rush you'd think they were off to Poland again.

Finally in frankfurt I found the hotel easily, go to love Here sat nav, free, offline and actually works. However my hotel is in the middle of the bar district which is good unless you want to park. I drove around for 15mins and didn't so much as park, more abandoned.

The receptionist kindly showed me where the hotel parking was by opening the back door. Thanks, real helpful.

Frankfurt is also very warm, far hotter than at the track and there is no aircon. It is literally dripping off me in the hotel room. It's a good job I have one bottle of heated fizzy water left to see me through!

I can hear fireworks outside, or AAA fire, not sure which, I'm going to bed and hope the allies win.

Fatherland - Day Drei

Not such a good sleep tonight as I hadn't employed my technique of folding the worlds most absorbent pillow in a way that actually supports your head, so I woke up with a sore neck and a headache.

Once I was up for breakfast all was good and as I hadn't found anywhere better I went for the complimentary offering again. This time it was much improved by the fact that they had bacon, so I took my fair share and then someone's else's too. I figure it's like a trade, I have their bacon, they have my cheese. It's still a trade if they don't know about it or have a choice in it, right?

Once I was full up on pig I jumped in the car to get to the track, I was getting used to my underpowered 1 litre Fiesta now despite having to change gear with my wrong hand. On the way to the circuit a sporty Citroen DS3 wanted to play, I had him in the twisty bits but couldn't stay with him up the hills.

The first race was at 11:30 so I rocked up at just before 11 now having sussed out where to park and which stand to sit it. It's a good job I had done my homework too as it was much busier today and I had one of the last spots in my car park which was empty yesterday. The stands were much busier to, but it's easy to find a seat for one so I got a similar seat on the upper stand to where I was yesterday.

The race was the Nurburgring Legends, basically older racers ranging from prototypes to GT40s to classic Mini Coopers. It was a two horse race but a close race and it was great to see the minis clawing back in the bends after being thrashed on the straight by the Mustangs. It felt like my Fiesta vs DS3 battle earlier!

After the race there was a two hour gap so I went looking around the shops and won me a cap on one of the simulators. I needed a pair of sunglasses so I found a nice pair of Oakleys reduced from €130 to €65. I went to buy them and apparently when the printed price is crossed out with pen and a new price written next to it, this doesn't mean it's reduced, it means it's still €130. So I told the robbing bastards to stick it and walked off.

After lunch it was qualifying time, the big boys were out and Porsche got a 1-2 on the grid, a great result being a Porsche fan. Not so good if you're an Audi fan (are you reading this Pandaman?).

To round the day off were a few more races, first the Porsche Super Cup, who were absolute nutters. The guy who I was sat next to missed everything, every time he went to get something out of his bag or looked the other way a car would spin or overtake or something. I felt sorry for him so I ended up pointing for him when something looked likely to happen.

The final race of the day was the Legends again and I couldn't be bothered waiting so I thought I'd head to the paddock to look around again. They'd closed off my secret entrance to the pits now, probably for the best, but I did manage to get into scrutineering. Here is where half a dozen of the multi-million pound cars were taken to be checked out to make they they were legal. Amongst them was the pole sitter and 3rd place as well as a couple of ferraris and an Aston Martin. I could easily have touched/kicked/modified the cars if I felt like it, it's hard to believe how much trust there is here.

Back in the paddock teams would leave their unused race tyres out too, it would be very easy for someone to put a cut in one to sabotage a team. Not that I did that of course, nor do I condone it, but there are crazy people out there.

With the racing done I headed home but on the way I stopped by a curious road. It was not far from my hotel and basically a dirt track but car were always going down so it peeked my interest, it must lead to a good view. I went down there and ditched the car after a while as the road was too rough. After about a 15 min walk I came across a gathering of people at the cliff edge. The nutters were paragliding off the top! It was one hellova view though. What I don't understand about paragliding or wing suits is, how did they invent it? I mean for it to work you have to jump off something high, and what, just hope it worked? Anyway these nutters were Dutch and travelled the world doing it and this spot was really good apparently. I think they should be in the new Point Break film.

its back to base for my customary evening meal, I was determined to get a dessert tonight as I'd been too full on other nights, so I opted for whT I would be a smaller meal (a schnitzel), but it was huge again. So I had a pudding anyway. Stuffed.

Fatherland - Day Zwei

Guten morgen.

After a good sleep I went for breakfast which was included with my room. It wasn't the buffet I wanted and comprised of several types of cheese and some miniature sized bread. Oh well, its free for a reason I guess.

My plan today was to head to the Nurburgring Nordschlife circuit, the 20k track that you can take your road car on. I'd already checked the T&Cs of my rental agreement and I wasn't allowed to take my hire car on but I was planing to watch and maybe bribe someone to jump in the back of their car.

I took the scenic route there which comprised of some gorgeous roads although I was wary of the Spezialkrafte nearer to the circuit. Upon arriving I parked up where I could get a quick getaway like Clark Griswald taught me. I walked over to the entrance and security stopped me. Luckily he spoke better English than people from Dudley so he was able to explain that a club had rented the circuit today and they didn't want spectators. Hmm plan thwarted.

I had a plan B though. Luckily I'd done my homework and as the circuit is so long there are loads of places you get view from near to some towns. I had a list of these with directions so off I went.

I only got a little bit lost before finding a good spot. I climbed up a bank that looked over the circuit just as a marshal put out a red flag which basically meant someone had stuffed it and the racing was over until it was sorted. No wonder they didn't want spectators.

I took the opportunity to find a better spot and after about 30mins the action was back on so I spent an hour or so watching people try to drive their Porsches fast on the damp narrow track.

In the afternoon I decided to head to the proper Grand Prix circuit to see the event I'd actually come to Germany for. I had no idea which of the 40 (I kid you not) car park to use, so I opted randomly for B1. All of the signs were in German so I found an entrance that wasn't busy and scanned my ticket and went in.

I was in the paddock (the bit behind the pits where all the teams and their trucks / hospitality are). Result. Practice for the WEC cars had just started and I walked around the backs of the garages and was able to see the telemetry on their screens and all the goings on.

I was desperate for the loo at this stage so I found some toilets which were also used by the crew which meant that after I'd sorted myself out, instead of turning right to go back to the paddock, I could turn left and go to the pit lane. During a live session.

I didn't want to push my luck at this point as I'm pretty confident that I shouldn't be here, however, how often do you get the opportunity, right? One of the LMP2 cars came in for a stop about 3 meters from me and the team jumped into action so I managed to get some good video footage that I'll share afterwards.

I went back into the paddock and practice finished so I hung around seeing if I could catch anyone famous. Cue Lotterer, Alan McNish and Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy from Greys Anatomy). Being a Hollywood star he was swamped and ended up getting pushed out of the way, how rude.

I then saw Anthony Davidson so as he was stopping for selfies I exchanged a few words with him, he's a good chap and was happy to spend time with the fans which was nice.

All star'd out I headed for the rand stands to watch the other cars and spent the rest of the afternoon there. Just before leaving I though it wouldn't be right to not race anything myself so I went on a Le Mans simulator and then tried my hand around the karting track.

The karts were electric and restricted, so not the best and the indoor circuit was unusually high grip so nearly all of the lap was flat out which is a bit boring. Still, karting is always fun, and I got to take out the Germans (pretty sure it was Vettel in car 4) ;)

Back to base afterwards for a huge steak and some beer. It'll be a similar day again tomorrow, so an early night is due.

Fatherland - Day Ein

It's vacation time again as I need to burn some annual leave. After looking around for somewhere to go I settled on Germany to go and see the World Endurance Car championship at the Nurburgring.

I had to fly from Stansted though which was a bit of a pain, and my flight was at 7:30am. So I took the opportunity to visit Martin's new restaurant in Chelmsford. It's very nice, and they do awesome steaks so book in at Bake n'Grape right now.

The journey down was pretty uneventful, it was the M1 and M25 after all. However, after 2mins into my journey after dropping my cat off with Graham I had to turn around as I'd forgotten stuff already. Amazing the fastest part of the journey was the M25, I don't know what all the fuss is about, I happily did 90 most of the way around at about 6:30 pm (I also beat the satnav by 10 mins, get in!)

After leaving Martin's place I headed to a B+B next to the airport. The satnav thought it would be fun to send me down country lanes barely wide enough for my car to fit down which made for a fun drive.

I arrived at the B+B just before midnight.  It was OK, although the bed was made for someone of hobbit height and the mattress was about as thick as a napkin that had been run over by a steam roller. My neighbour who I have to share the bathroom with has some aversion to flushing the toilet it seems, so I made sure I flushed it several times, I hope I didn't wake him. 

I flushed it again.

Five hours later it was time for my early morning flight so after flushing the loo a few times I headed out only for my friendly sat nav to freeze. This made my already pushing the boundaries of being late a little further and resulted in some slightly more extreme driving in order to get back on track. Obviously to make the timing more interesting when I parked my car at the airport the bus pulled away so I had to wait 15 mins for the next one.

Finally in the airport I was starting to rush, my stress levels weren't helped by the fact that my flight wasn't listed on the big screen. This made me paranoid enough to check my tickets and today's date. I headed to the gates anyway and my flight was on the next screen, it looks like it was missing on the previous screen so that they could display an advert. Brilliant.

I made the flight, it went well, nothing to report. Upon landing I picked up my hire car, a high octane Fiesta 1.0. I asked for a free upgrade to a Porsche, being in Germany and all, and the lady told me that the fiesta was the same as a Porsche as it had four wheels. Can't argue with that logic.

It turns out that Frankfurt Hahn airport is nowhere near Frankfurt which was good as it meant I didn't have a city to deal with and I was immediately in the middle of nowhere which made getting used to the car and driving on the wrong side of the road easier. Bring on special stage 3.

I wanted to stop at a shop to get some water and bits and pieces, but it appears that there are no shops, only car dealerships. So I failed to get any water but did get a VW, two Audis and a BMW.

It was only about 30mins before I rocked up in Bremm, my base for the next three days. Bremm is a gorgeous town on a large river cut in a valley. It really is stunning and my phone camera can't do it justice. I decided a walk was in order, I still needed that water so I walked around Bremm and failed to find any shops. So I went to the next town and the next and so on. I kid you not, during my 2 hour walk the only shop of any description that I found sold dead butterflys.

I gave up on this walking lark and drove to the biggest place I could see within range, when I arrived there were actual people there and everything so I parked up and went to the only restaurant that had people in. I didn't understand one word on the menu and had no wifi to look things up with, it turns out that in the land of the sausage, I'd picked the only salad restaurant in Germany. There's about as much chance of that as finding a gay only vegan bar in Dallas.

The waitress helped me out who spoke embarrassingly good English and I settled on a chicken salad baguette without the salad. While I was there, I did spot the most German looking man ever:

After lunch I went for a drive and found a Lidl so finally got my water. Of course when I got around to open it, I'd only brought bloody sparkling crap hadn't I. So back in the hotel I opened it all and left it to go flat. I might drink the toilet water instead.

After a rest I went to the restaurant bar for a beer pre-dinner. I had a nice outside seat when it started raining so I edged under a brolly and the heavens really opened. There's nothing quite like a thunderstorm in a valley. I know the thunder isn't in there but it really echoes and the clouds dropped right over the river, pretty cool.

An English menu was provided which was very much appreciated and I had a really tasty pork medallion meal. Om nom nom.