Austria - Day 9 - Things to see in Arras

We started the day feeling hungover after last nights late night, but the thing that made us most miserable was that it was lashing it down outside. We had a four hour journey ahead of us so it wasn't going to be fun. For once we didn't have breakfast at the hotel, instead we wandered around town in the pouring rain looking for a patisserie. 

It took ages to find one, but it was worth it for good bread and pastrie products. We went back to the hotel later and noticed a patisserie just next door. Doh.

We made every excuse to delay getting on the bikes, to avoid the rain, but eventually we had to. Once out of Nancy we hit the motorway to try and out run the weather. It was as much fun as driving around the ring road in Stoke.

In less than an hour it had dried up and we hit the proper roads again, and some proper speed too. It helped that we had an extra horsepower boost thanks to our curry. The four hour journey was going to be over quickly at this rate.

We found a nice village to have lunch and chose one of the half dozen restaurants that were busy. Upon ordering drinks we were told that we was too late for food, so we went to the next place. Same story there, and the next place. FFS, don't the French know that people like to eat at lunchtime, it's probably a national restaurant strike or something.

In the end we went to McDonalds and had one if everything.

We carried on and arrived in Arras, and just as we finished parking up the rain came, serious rain too, so we counted our blessings that we timed that right. 

We arrived in Arras and immediately acted like 12 year olds by coming up with a million puns about the town name, here are some of our favourites:

The sun shines in Arras.

We met some scouse girls, they like it in Arras. 

Arras is wet.

Arras is not that big.

The centre of Arras is very pretty.

It was hard to get into Arras.

It stinks in Arras.

People have come long and far to see Arras.

Arras seems very popular at this time of the year.

Out in town it was now ridiculously warm and sunny, so we did the only decent thing and went and got a beer in the main square. 

We had a walk around and noticed that everywhere was closed for some reason, so we opted to go back and have more beer. We'd found a nice 8.4% beer to drink, so it'll be game over later! 

For food we found a nice restaurant and spent about 20 minutes translating the menu using our phone apps. We still didn't understand some of it though, so asked the waiter who then produced two English menus. The words we were stuck on were still French in that though!

Steve ordered a bucket of Leffe to go with his food and Mark ordered a steak, his first if the trip. However, when the food arrived, it wasn't steak and chips, but ribs and mash, so much for that English menu.

After food we headed back out to the square and finished off our last night with beers and wine. Luckily our hotel room was only about 10m away so it was an easy trip back.

Tomorrow we head back to Blighty, so this'll be the final post of the trip, as always, thanks for your comments, likes and what not. We'll be back next time.

Austria - Day 8 - Nancy Boys

We were happy to leave our crappy expensive hotel, even the breakfast was crappy, and get on our way.

We had a long 6 hour journey again today so we were on our way early. We can't go on motorways though as you have to buy a pass which costs a fortune.

To start with we stopped by Ace Cafe, we didn't realise that there were others outside of London but a few people told us about it and it was worth the detour.

We then fought our way through some towns miraculously hitting every possible red light. We stopped for a drink before leaving Switzerland to use up our currency, the bill came to more than we had so Steve asked if they took card. 'Yes' was the answer so we got the card out to pay to be told that they don't take card from us, but they do take card...

Before long we were in France and the roads opened up and we were able to pick up the pace. The traffic also disappeared and what little traffic there was would get out of their way as soon as they saw you.

Lunch beckoned so we pulled up in a small village and tried to figure out the menu, the waitress didn't speak any English, so she dragged the chef (probably her daughter) out of the kitchen to talk to us. Our light lunch turned out to be a banquet of salads, beef pies and bread. By the time we'd finished we could no longer fit into our leathers.

We then rode through a gorgeous tree lined national park and as the afternoon wore on we made the decision to jump on the motorway to get to Nancy (yes, that the name of the city).

We arrived at the hotel to find that Steve had only booked it for one person, despite booking a room with 3 beds. Mark thought that Steve didn't think he'd make it this far or something. The receptionist told Mark that although there were separate beds, he needed to be careful of Steve at night!

Walking around town, Steve finally talked Mark into getting a scooter which also fulfilled this years 'picture of Mark on something small' achievement.

We parked up in a gorgeous square where Steve went pano mad, in fact he took so many pics that he basically took a time lapse. It is a very nice city though, especially at night and had a real good vibe to it too.

For food, we fancied a curry so we found and Indian/Pakistani restaurant. To our dismay, they didn't serve papadoms and Steve had to stop Mark from flipping over the table is disgust. The food was good though and it was clean plates all around. Let's just hope that tomorrow's 4 hour ride doesn't need frequent bathroom stops.

We finished the night off in a different square, just managing to grab the last table. It was at this point that we remembered that there was a light show on earlier that we told about, but we'd missed it. Oh well, it was probably just some Frenchies cycling around with a torch strapped to their heads anyway.

Austria - Day 7 - Mad Cow

Another day, another breakfast, we'd just filled up on croissants and cake when we found the secret sausage and bacon stash. Although we were full, Mark made room.

We've noticed a strange thing with the service here in Switzerland, they ask you what you want, give you all the options, then wonder off and clean up some tables or something.

Hitting the road we were straight into a mountain pass, the bikes engines hadn't even warmed up before we were heading vertical again.

The pass was more suited to bikes than yesterday with more sweeping bends than switchbacks. We had a couple of scares coming around a bend to find a tractor parked in the way doing some hedge trimming.

We stopped for a break in a small town where there was a swimming pool, going past were more idiots on bikes towing their suitcases!

We went on to our favourite road so far, the Furka Pass. Proper nice tarmac, no traffic, wide switchbacks, in fact we think that we only used the sides of our tyres!

We stopped for fuel and a truck stopped and the bloke jumped out to talk to us, he was from Sheffield and about to start a business doing bike tours. I'll put a link on Facebook or something if anyones interested.

Later while we stopped for some pics, some Swiss people came to talk to us to hear our story and they told us about some gophers that whistle at us or some shit. In return we told them to stay off the smack.

A couple more passes later and we were in Lucerne, and heading to our hotel. We'd spend about 7 hours travelling today including the stops so we were knackered.

The hotel looked nice but it was lacking a few things. Parking for example, or a shower that we didn't have to share with 50 other people, a toilet or even bloody soap/shampoo. Criminally the WiFi is also as stable as Kanye West. Considering that this hotel is the most expensive of the trip it's lacking somewhat.

Just as we got to town the heavens opened and there was another thunderstorm which had us running for cover in a bar.

We then bar hopped a bit and watched the Olympics. We were in one bar which also had a restaurant which Steve went in to to use the loo. While he was there some people dressed as a cow came out and it started licking the diners heads. Very strange. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M_sNZ00Q78

We ended up in an 'english' bar and sat next to some Swiss army guys in uniform, Mark asked to see their Swiss army knife, but they didn't get it.
We both ate jalapeño burgers which might be a mistake with a 5 hour ride tomorrow!

Austria - Day 6 - The world's greatest road (according to Top Gear)

Breakfast at the Grand Hotel was pretty good, but there wasn't any bacon so Mark had to make do with half a dozen croissants. Steve had cake; today's breakfast was good. 

We checked out and hit the road. It was busy again to start with but cleared up and then we had some flowing roads. 

About half way to our destination in Switzerland we went over the Stelvio Pass which was Top Gears best Road in the world, it's also in the list of top 10 most dangerous roads in the world. 

The start of the ascent was quite easy and there were lots of performance cars trying it so we raced some Porsches and a Lotus for a while and then left them. There were 48 switchbacks on the way to the top which is over 9000 feet high. 

By the time we got to the top we were knackered, so we stopped, parked the bikes  had a chat then went back to take some photos and only then did the Porsches we raced turn up. 

We stopped for food at the top and realised that the people who work there have to do that every day for their daily commute. We chatted to some idiot cyclists who had ridden from Germany! They'd just made it to the top which took them 3 hours. And we were knackered with a 1000cc engine between our legs. 

The journey down was fun but different, less switchbacks but still brutal and a group of Ferraris, a GTR,  big Jag, Aston and so on went the other way. Then it started raining to make it even more interesting. 

With that out of the way we carried on more awesome roads and Mark played fuel bingo. In the middle of nowhere, on the Italy Swiss border, Mark's trip computer said that he had 0 miles left. Luckily we did find a petrol station that sold rocket fuel for next to nothing. 

The rain then picked up so we pushed on to St. Maritz, our final destination.

We checked in and went for a walk finding the most beautiful lake, one of many stunning views here. 

Walking around a little we found a giant horse statue, there seems to be a horse fixation with the place, not sure why, no ones updated us on that yet. However if you zoom in on the picture below, you'll see something very strange coming out of the horses butt...

Into town, there are designer shops everywhere and it appears that we're in the Monaco of Switzerland. Steve tried to buy some waterproof spray from an outdoor adventure shop. Obviously they didn't stock that, but they did have snakeskin high heels. Different world. 

We chilled at a bar and had half a lager which cost nearly six quid, meaning a late night is off the cards! 

We checked Google for a more 'affordable bar' and ended up in a pseudo American bar in a mall. It wasn't bad to be honest and the barmaid was very friendly. We were the only two customers mind you. 

Austria - Day 5 - Normal standard Tuesday

Today we leave Austria and head to Italy but not before having breakfast.

Unfortunately the waitresses kept forgetting about us and they ran out of bacon before we had any. Mark was on the phone to the Austrian ambassador when they brought out some more, so Steve told Theresa May to stand down Trident.

We nipped out down the road on the bikes in our shorts and t-shirts as we wanted to go on the Toboggan. It's one of the longest in the world so had to be done.

We got the cable car up and half way up we were saying how dangerous it was as there was nothing to stop us falling off. Steve then realised that there was a harness and foot bar that we hadn't pulled down, oops.

At the top there was a giant tower that we climbed to get a few more panos.

It was Toboggan time and we both wore our bike lids so that we could film it. Mark went first and hit the brakes to wait for Steve so that the footage would be good. 3km later and we were at the bottom, it was fantastic and well recommended.

Unfortunately though after Steve spent an hour setting his camera up, cleaning the lens and charging the battery, he forgot to click record. Mark captured it though, link to YouTube here once it's uploaded (it's taking forever so don't hold your breath).

Back at the hotel we packed and left. The roads were busy and then they were at a standstill which sucks, so most of the journey was hard work forcing our way through traffic.

Soon we were in Italy and had to hit a mountain pass. Traffic was better but still a little busy and there were hundreds of bikes. The views were stunning though and we had fun on the twisties.

A rant is needed though. Why take your flaming motor homes up a bleedin Mountain? There aren't any campsites up there, it's not on the way to a campsite, so why do it? They just get in the way and they can't even make the hairpin turns.  It can't be enjoyable for them, and it's certainly not enjoyable for us, so just go round, there's even a perfectly good motorway. Let's just say that no prisoners were taken.

We searched around for our hotel and Steve pulled over saying that it was somewhere around here. Mark looked over and we'd actually stopped in the entrance to the place. Seems like the Garmin is ok after all.

The hotel is very grand, in fact it's called The Grand, so that makes sense. It's proper old school and the elevator is lined with crushed velvet on the walls. Too posh for two sweaty hairy arsed bikers.

We went to the local lido, a giant outdoor pool complex which was pretty cool and we had a swim before having our daily ice cream. After we'd dried, Steve put his tshirt back on only to find a wasp trapped inside that stung him twice, either that or he was just doing a funny dance while ripping his tshirt off.

We headed out for the evening to find a bunch of band roaming the town doing their thing. We sat outside a restaurant on the Main Street watching it all go on. As well as the bands there was a Beatles tribute act, a fashion show including catwalk and then some strange girls dressed all in white on stilts with two giant white balloons. Not sure what all that was about, but It's all just a standard Tuesday night here!

Austria - Day 4 - Thunder Thunder Thunder

Today we could afford a lie in that was until last night's spicy pizza repeated on us! 

We went for breakfast which we hadn't paid for, we did try to pay twice but they wouldn't have it, we didn't try a third time.

We loaded up the bikes and found that we could leave the car park without paying so there's probably a Bourne style international man hunt going on looking for us. 

We headed South through Austria starting on a fun winding A road and then when he came to the mountains we turned off onto the smaller twisty roads which were great fun. 

We came to a small town and spotted somewhere to eat, but needed to turn the bikes around. We did this in the town square after going through a no entry sign, only to find a TV crew filming and we'd ruined their shot. They shouted at us a lot so Steve revved his engine to deafen the sound engineer... 

For lunch, much to Steve's surprise, Mark ordered a salad, although it was covered by 5 fillet steaks. Although the food was great, they did get our order wrong twice, maybe we need to brush up on our German. Steve ordered dumplings and got prawns, Mark ordered Coca Cola and got coffee.

Over lunch there was a thunderstorm which we waited out, but it dried up pretty quickly and we were on our way again making our way through the traffic.

As we got close to Leinz there was another thunderstorm with lightning hitting the mountains around us. We stopped for some fuel but they wouldn't serve us because of the threat of lightning. Bunch of wusses I tell you, yesterday they closed the roof bar because of rain and today they hide indoors because of a storm. What's next? Closing the bars because of a strong breeze? 

Steve then led the first route march of the holiday to see a castle that was so rubbish that as soon as we saw it in the distance we turned around and got ice cream instead. 

Back in the town centre there was a massive climbing tournament going on with a climbing wall setup and various people competing to climb it. They're timed as they climb to 1 hundredth of a second which is a little over the top as only 2 people made it to the top and they were 40 seconds apart. 

We left the tournament and went to a sea restaurant that only served one fish. Mark was happy with that and ordered the mixed grill. Steve nipped to the loo and when he came back he said "look at her trout!". Mark wasn't sure where or what he was meant to be looking at! 

Back at the climbing tournament, and the final had started, unfortunately though there were three spots of rain so the international televised event was cancelled and people were actually running for cover. This is despite every other shop selling survival gear! 

There were thousands watching the event but the prize ceremony wasn't so well attended. In fact we're not sure that the prizes were for best climber but for strangest trousers. 

It's Monday night, so fairly quiet out, so we just had a few beers and headed back.

Austria - Day 3 - Moto Madness

Today is MotoGP day, so we had an early start, good job we didn't go out on the lash last night and roll in at midnight... Oh no we did, doh!

We nailed it down the motorway and jumped all the traffic heading into the circuit.

We both needed to buy a cap so we checked out the merchandise, but couldn't decide so we held off til later.

We queued for food, there was a massive choice of frankfurters or frankfurters. We opted for frankfurters only to be turned away because they don't accept cash. You basically have to buy Red Bull dollars which you exchange for food. But only one person sold these and the queue was a million people long. So some advice to the circuit, all those staff serving food that don't have anything to do, get them selling Red Bull money instead!

We found a spot to watch the Moto3 race which was very close, the lead changing 4 times on the last lap.

Afterwards we went to look at more caps, couldn't decide again so we thought we'd come back later.

The build up to the MotoGP had started with stunt planes flying over and dive bombing the crowd, we both thought that in 20 years we'd be telling people that we were at the great disaster at the Red Bull Ring.

More classic planes came, then Eurofighters, which sounded awesome, then a helicopter carrying a giant flag. Steve was wondering what was next and was waiting for a giant flying boat on fire piloted by a dog or something.

The race started and the atmosphere was electric, 95,000 people of which 94,999 were Rossi fans.

It was a good race and anyone of 4 riders could have won it.

Following that we thought we'd head to the main fan zone. We had the choice of taking the paved path with everyone else, or cutting through a Swamp, laced with stingers and mud in our shorts. The choice was obvious and both of us now have mud caked shoes of which we only have one pair. Oops.

We decided to cash in our Red Bull dollars but in a strange coincidence, all of the machines were broken, but they could still sell more, you just couldn't cash them in. Strange that.

We looked at the merchandise again and Steve found the hat he wanted, haggled to get the price down and then decided as we were going home, he didn't want one.

We got dressed again and hit the road home, taking the more fun route this time. Unfortunately we hit some rain making the treacherous mountain roads a little more tricky.

We made it the only way we knew, overtake everyone to keep concentration max.

On the way down we passed someone skiing uphill but which was a little strange, and then stopped at a cafe at the top of the mountain for a drink. For some reason the place played the worst Europop tunes ever.

On the way down we stopped for fuel, Steve realised that his money was in his shorts under his leathers so he had to strip in the petrol station. The guy working there was in shock and Steve is now on the sex offenders list in Austria.

Back at the hotel, we got showered and changed and went out hunting for food. We found an awesome roof bar and made some new friends. Unfortunately we couldn't order food because the barmaids phone app said that it would rain in an hour.

We forced some more drinks down us and went inside for some noms. It was odd in that there were lots of menus for burgers, pizzas, pasta, etc and you fill in an order form like you're in hospital and away you go.

We opted for pizza, but the menu was in German, so using Google translate, the pizza toppings included rubber balls, worms and a security kit. We opted for more traditional toppings instead and ended up with some fantastic pizzas.

Our table was too small though so we moved and ended up sitting outside the ladies which made for an interesting night.

Steve went into the gents and found that the vending machines sold both Sex Gags and Travel Pussy. We stocked up and went in search of the next unsuspecting bar.

We sat outside having a beer then at half eleven we were told that we had to move inside, fair enough, no problem, but everyone else scarpered like the air raid sirens had gone off or the zombie apocalypse had happened. We decided to call it a night and headed back to the hotel.

I tell you what though, after having pizza with chilled, peppers and peri piri, it's a good job Steve has multiple inhalers!

Austria - Day 2 - Graz

Well, we survived the train trip, although at about 2am Mark realised that he'd left the straps that hold his luggage together on the bike. The same bike that was strapped to the outside of a train that was doing 120mph with a driver who cornered like Lewis Hamilton. So that could be a disaster when we get to Vienna.

Heidi, our waitress told us that she'd wake us up an hour before we arrived and serve us breakfast. Yea, right. We woke up 30 mins before arriving and had to sing for our food. Luckily we were on the only German train in history that was late so we had time to scoff our noms.

We arrived and checked the bikes and 3 out of 4 of Mark's straps had survived and we found the 4th about 10 bikes back. Phew.

It had rained so wet roads greeted us in Austria, but as we got out of the city things soon dried up.

We hit the motorway out of the city and took it easy, there was a steady flow of cars overtaking us and everyone was giving us the thumbs up like we were the first bikes they'd ever seen. However, their driving was awful with cars cutting us up and driving up our arses.

News must have got around that we were here as we kept seeing signs for Gute Fahrt!

We had enough of motorways so we fueled up and hit the mountain roads. We blasted past a few cars and got held up behind 3 cars, we were about to nail them coming out of a corner when the police jumped out with a speed gun and pulled the car at the front of us. Abort abort brake brake brake!!!  Phew.

We then found the road of everything. 30km of hair pins, fast bends, mountains, 200kph straights, it had the lot, and we finally got to open up the bikes.

After a quick drink we hit the road for the run into Graz, more great roads, except for one bit. Tommo was leading and doing about 100mph when the tarmac ended and there was about 100m of dirt Road. Steve got down to a sensible speed but Mark flew past him hitting it at about 60mph. It was one of those moments where you knew that if you hit either brake, throttle or clutch you'd be on the floor, so we just rolled through and survived to live another day.

We pushed on to Graz with the stats showing 1000km and 9 hours on the bikes.

We checked in to find a basic room, but it was the shower that was wierd, it was off the bedroom and had a clear glass door! So we made the rule that whomever wasn't in the shower had to watch the TV with the volume on max in order to avoid the use of eye bleach.

It was 2pm and therefore beer time so we rocked up at a bar. This is where we discovered that noone in Austria knows what their wifi password is as whatever they write down or tell you doesn't work.

Steve has a reputation for going to see bridges that look like, well, bridges. This time however he came up trumps with a wierd floating bridge that had an orchestra on it.

We then did some sight seeing and went up one of those vertical train things.
At the top there was a sky bar which had stunning views, and we stumbled upon a metal concert which was an odd find. We did our best to blend in but I think we stood out a bit.

It was about 6pm now and Mark realised that he hadn't eaten since breakfast so was immediately starving. We roamed the town for a while and found a cool bar to eat in.

Steve has gone native, scoffing half a dozen pretzels, had pork for every meal and Mark was sure he saw him eyeing up some leather shorts.

More beers were had and we ended up in an Irish bar where the Austrians sung Irish songs (badly). We got talking to a guy who was happy and then we asked him what he did and it turned out he'd been made redundant and then he was no longer happy. We backed away slowly and left dodge.

Austria - Day 1 - The hills are alive... with the sound of a V twin

It's a new adventure! Although the trip is titled 'Austria', really we're going just about everywhere including France, Belgium, Holland, Germany, Austria (for the MotoGP), Italy and Switzerland.

Tim couldn't make it this year after merging his bike with a car last year and Cheesy is also out, he was last seen being a sex slave on a boat on the North Sea again. So it's just Mark and Steve this year making the trip...

We had an 8am start as we had to catch the Chunnel at midday. The trip was good, the M40 and M25 were kind so we made record time arriving in Folkestone so early that they put us on an earlier train. Unfortunately they put us both on different trains, so Steve had to sneak on Marks train!

Now the Chunnel train wasn't what we were expecting, we thought we'd secure the bikes and then sit in a nice plush carriage like Lenny Henry on the Virgin Train ads. No, it's not like that, they don't chain your bike down and you have to sit on the floor next to your bike to make sure it doesn't fall over when they hit the brakes.

We befriended some other bikers and had a chat, then they broke out the hip flask and they nailed that during the 35min journey. Safe.

We left the train in France and desperately needed fuel, there was a sign saying 500m and we could see it ahead. Then Steve forgot and drove past it so we were on fumes looking for a petrol station. We'd be fine do long as we didn't take a wrong turn. 

Literally 2 turns later and we were lost. Don't buy a Garmin. Marks computer said he had 0 miles left as we found a BP station unfortunately it was on the other side of the motorway but we made it work, don't ask how.

At the petrol station we noticed standard European health and safety as a woman filled up her car while smoking a cigarette.

Back on the road we made good progress. Now a lot of people give the French shit for bring stinky, surrendering, only eating garlic, wearing onions, being rude, speaking French, being on strike, always miserable, shooting Harold in the eye, and making crap cars, BUT they know how to make roads without potholes every 20 yards.

After a few hours we stopped for fuel and food only to find we were at a gay truck stop. The campest Belgium guy served us and hey only sold baguettes for some reason, although in true Belgium style you could also get chocolate, Leffe and waffles.

After a bacon baguette we were back on the road to Düsseldorf where we had to get another train. As we hit six hours in the saddle, the ride was taking its toll and we tried to do an Aerobic routine while riding along. 

We'd just about had enough when we realised that we were in Germany and the speed limit disappeared from Steves satnav. Autobahn it is then! We made good use of the opportunity although we were dismayed when we were overtaken by a car, although it was a Mercedes SLS so we didn't feel too bad.

We made it to Düsseldorf without incident and boarded the train. When driving the bike on the roof was so low that you could barely kneel on the floor without hitting your head. Not to worry, our cabin would be much better.

On dear. Now our cabin is small, think of a wardrobe but cut in half and only one of the doors work. Mark can stretch his arms out and easily touch both ends, and width ways can just use one arm to touch both walls. Tiny!

We do get free slippers, a shot glass of trifle and a bottle of preosecco. There is no bar so we have to summon the waitress who brings cans of beer to our shoebox, that can work. However we found a better drink, on the menu, under the wine section they had Chateax de Strongbow.

Shortly after the train set off, Steve was creaming himself because we went past a church and then gave our neighbours a history lesson on when it was built, who lived there and the priests favourite age of choir boy.

The driver came on the intercom to I've his welcome message and at the end said 'good night and good luck'. Good luck?!?

Hopefully we'll make it through for Day 2.