Day 7 - Metz

Today we woke up early as the world trolley races were happening outside on the cobbles at 6am, or so it seemed. Later when we emerged from the room there was a market setup, so that may have been the actual reason.

We had breakfast in the hotel, where we abused the cold meat buffet.

On our way to check if our bikes were still there we had to go past the kebab shop that was closed last night… they were open for business at 9am, and people were in there tucking into a doner!

Tommo re-engineered his fix on his bike and has now perfected the gaffer tape solution. You’ll see this as an optional extra on BMWs website soon I bet!

We had great roads before the satnav took us off onto a single lane gravel donkey track, it was probably 3mm shorter or something. Unfortunately just after we were back on the good roads the rain hit for a bit. It wasn’t bad but bad enough to make the roads damp.

We stopped for food in a roadside french restaurant. The waitress didn’t speak English so we were fumbling through and she wasn’t happy. It turns out that despite the menu saying otherwise, she only had fish and as Mark doesn’t like fish we told her we’d just have drinks. That was it, how dare we just order drinks! She whipped away the knives and forks, pulled the table cloth and stropped away shouting in French. She was won the award for Mardy waitress, and we’ve had a few!

Just when we’d finished not eating some old people came up to us who were English and decided that because we were from the same island as them, we’d like to hear their life stories. They waffled on for about an hour and we tried to be polite for a while but in the end we were both playing on our phones whilst they told us what colour their aunts shoes used to be when she got on the train or some other boring shit.

As we were now struggling to stay awake we hit the motorway to get there quickly. Once in Metz we struggled with the satnav that took us around the town 3 times and the wrong way down a one way street. We made it alive though.

At check in, things went wrong as it turns out that a Tommo had only booked a single room. Luckily they had a spare room but we’d have to pay 40 euros more. Fair enough, so we went to park the bikes whilst she sorted that out then when we got back she said that we could have the twin room for free, we just had to pay for the extra breakfast. Then she apologised because she didn’t actually have any standard rooms left, so she’d have to give us a superior room for the same price. Ok then!

We went church hunting and found a massive cathedral and a nice church on the river, so we filled up our memory cards taking pics of them.

We stopped for some beers and food in a busy part of town and treated ourselves to some tasty crepes afterwards at one of the many places in the crepe District.

 

We started making our way back to the hotel and caught the end of an impressive light show projected against the cathedral.

Tommo then felt the need for a floater in the last bar which he thoroughly enjoyed

Day 6 - Freiburg

After our leisurely day yesterday, we were raring to go and rushed out to sit around eating a nice Italian breakfast (mostly croissants and cake).

We left Lindau and started our journey back to England albeit taking a different route back via France. The initial part of the journey was slow going with traffic that was hard to pick through.

As the temperatures rose we needed a pit stop and the golden M came to the rescue and provided us with some nice cold milkshakes.

The roads opened up and we made good time, although more road closures got in the way. I can’t believe how they just close motorways with no advanced signage or detours, and the satnav just keeps telling you to turn around and get on it anyway! 

This did cause us to go a bit wrong and a long way out of our way which meant that we missed one of our planned stop off which would have seen us do a toboggan run.

Instead we arrived at Freiburg, our destination for the day tired and hot. It was a scorching 32c which isn’t fun in Black leathers with a 100c bike between your legs. We tried to get the bikes to the hotel but it meant going through a pedestrian zone which we were happy to do but the locals told us off for breaking ze rules!

After parking the bikes in the properly marked motorbike parking we checking in to the hotel and freshened up before going exploring.

It wasn’t long before we found a beer garden and much to Tommos shock, Mark ordered a salad. When it arrived, it was devoid of anything green though and was basically shredded sausage. 

Just as we’d finished eating we saw a family of four trying to find somewhere to sit, so steve asked if they’d like to join us and they did. We talked a little in bad German, before hearing them talk to each other in English, it turns out that they’re from Wisconsin in the states. We chatted for a bit and left them to their food whilst we moved on to a food market where we did some window shopping. It was odd that no one ate their own food, and was gorging on each other’s, so we moved on. On the way out we saw a woman's dream shop; a gin bar that was also a shoe shop! 

It was still baking so we stopped for an ice cream that had, I shit you not, 11 different menus. We barely had time to even see what menu was for what before the pushy waiter was demanding our order!

It was beer o clock by this point and where better to go when it’s ridiculously hot than a roof bar. Thankfully Steve can sniff out a roof bar from 500m away so we headed over. It was a nice bar, and we got the last table but although there was a breeze, it was like a hair dryer.

As the evening went on we went to a more traditional bar and then realised we’d left it too later to order food. It’s ok though as earlier, we’d spotted a kebab shop near the hotel and we turned up just as they were closing at 10:30pm! What is this craziness! Mark had to use his superpower and sniff out another kebab shop around the corner which was a traditional Turkish place run by some guys from Nottingham. It was good noms, cooked fresh in front of us, although we’d never really had the chips in the kebab before!

Day 5 - Lindau

We woke up to the sound of our French neighbours all shouting at each other again. It’s like they're all on the phone as they all speak at the same time.

After a quick trip out for some breakfast we returned to the apartment to do some jobs. Steve’s bags had ripped so he called NASA for some advice and then modelled the fix in CFD before wrapping a load of duct tape around a sink strainer which he’d got from a pound store.

With the jobs done it was time to crack on, we’d planned to leave the luggage at our base and take the bikes through the alps. In reality though we were both knackered so opted to stay in the room for another 15 mins, then another 20 mins, then zzzz.

We woke up for lunch and decided to ditch the bike plan. We found a mini octoberfest style place serving traditional German food and beer so we filled up there, although we did feel out of place not wearing leather shorts.

Everywhere we stop to eat, steve gets surrounded by sparrows like the opening scene in Snow White or something. He waits until they’re all together then feeds them a crumb and puts bets on which will win. I’m sure this sport is banned in several countries.

We found a fake beach at the lakes edge, so got a drink at the bar and slumped into some deck chairs that were in high demand. There we found the fault in this bars business model; people would buy one drink and then sit there all day dozing in the deck chairs in the sun, so we did the same.

After a while we went to a car museum that we’d spotted, only to find out that it wasn’t a museum, it was a restaurant with some cars in it. It was ridiculously expensive, so we just drooled through the window at cars like a Terstarossa, gull wing merc and classic mustangs.

On the evening we went out to find every restaurant packed out with no tables available anywhere. We thought that we might have to go back to stroppy bar but good timing saw us nick a table in the town centre. We treated ourselves to a decent steak which was huge.

Bloated, we went back to the harbour to watch the sunset and managed to fit in an ice cream before heading back to the room for an early night. What a lazy day!

Day 4 - Austria

Tommo woke up to find that he'd got a suntan whilst he was sleeping due to leaving the window and curtains open.

That wasn't what woke us up though, the French people next door seen to be the noisiest people in the world. Despite them being downstairs and 3 rooms over the paper thin walls let us here everything. To make things worse, all four of them speak at the same time. Mark declared war and immediately went to the toilet which was next to their room. They immediately surrendered.

Just as things got quiet again someone fired up their chainsaw outside of our window, so we decided to get up.

On our way to breakfast we walked along the pedestrian area only to have to jump out of the way of an oncoming car into the path of another car. We avoided that only to be charged down by some cyclists. Its like level 36 of Frogger here, and this is the pedestrian zone!

The place that we’re stopping in is in Germany but within sight of Austria and Switzerland, yet the guy who served us breakfast only spoke Italian, no German, no English, no French, just Italian.

We opted for a day away from the bikes as we were still walking like John Wayne, so took a train into the next town over in Austria. As per normal we sat next to a looney who told us his life story. He was just here for the day as he’s “ill and can’t travel”. we asked where he lives, and it was a place 5 hours away, so today he’s spending 10 hours on the train, but can’t travel???

We got off a stop early to avoid the looney, and walked to the cable car station. The sign said that you could fit 80+1 people onboard; surely that’s just 81 then?
The cable car took us to the top of a mountain, 1054 meters up. The views were stunning and the pics below don’t do it justice.

We had a bite to eat at the top and had to ninja some seats with a view. After eating a giant pretzel we stood up to leave and I kid you not, within a second our seats had gone.

We queued for the cablecar down and was in position to get the best spot with a great view but several kids tried to push in so the elbows came out and we narrowly avoided an international incident that may have seen us seek shelter in Switzerland.

It was bloody hot again, so when we got back to town we stopped for the largest sundae ever and watched the world go by.

Despite buying a return train ticket, we though getting the ferry back would be nice to avoid having to sit next to another looney. Just after we’d purchased our tickets two old Scottish people came up to us and said that the boat was a bad idea in this weather. We looked up and saw beautiful blue skies but they said that rain was coming and already had their anoraks on!

We laughed and walked to the pier, stupid Scottish nay sayers! Then the wind picked up and a black cloud appeared as though the Scottish crone had summoned it! Some rain came, not a lot, and it evaporated as it hit the ground, but we could almost hear the words “told you so” ring out in a Scottish accent.

We got on the ferry any way and the sunshine came out again, so we enjoyed a peaceful journey across the vast lake sat outside on the top deck.

Back at the ranch we needed to do some bike maintenance, Steve’s chain needed adjusting which is pretty routine and he’d brought all of his tools with him. There was one slight issue, none of the tools he’d got actually fit his bike, so we had to borrow some from the owner of the AirBnb.

With the bikes all fixed up (but not clean!), we headed out for a well earned beer. We returned to the place where we ate last night which had the stroppy waitress. We had a different waitress this time who was equally stroppy and basically threw our drinks at us and shoved a menu in our faces. So we opted to eat elsewhere.

After food we found a popular Irish bar run by a German. We had a few drinks and listened to the traditional Irish music, when Fairytale in New York came on. Now I know that Christmas comes earlier each year, but this is getting silly!

We were about to leave when a couple of Germans came in, an old fella and his son. We got chatting to them in broken German and English and they decided to keep buying us drinks. Several hours later we well out of the bar and headed home.

Day 3 - Black Forest

Mark woke up to a disco in the room this morning as Steve was turning all of the lights on and off trying to find out which one was for the bathroom. Obvs, it was the last one.

For breakfast, Steve had cake, a nic3 apple strudel and Mark had bread with some butter that was about as spreadable as wood.

We hit the roads which had now fully dried out and started our long long journey south. The roads were great and we’d got the perfect bikes for them. The traffic was light and got out of the way for the local BMW and KTM. Everyone loves the bikes here as no one else has sports bikes and kids wave and smile as you go past.

We stopped for lunch at an odd place. We were two Englishmen sat in a Swiss restaurant in France eating Italian but having to speak German. Marks mincemeat looked a little undercooked but ate it anyway, what could go wrong.

Back across the German border we pushed on into the Black Forest and found the most awesome road. This is where Marks stomach let him know that things might not be all ok. We carried on as far as possible before stopping for an emergency ‘break’ at a restaurant. It turns out that it was a popular stop with a gorgeous looking lake and thankfully, nice clean toilets. As we were in the right place we shared a slice of Black Forest gateau between us which would probably have fed a family of five for two weeks.

We carried on through the great roads as the day went on, and eventually hit the autobahn. We were tired and weary so kept to sensible speeds but still had a lick on, but we were overtaken by VW Passats every couple of minutes doing what must have been close to light speed.

Things took a minor turn as Steve’s bag gave up and roped a bit so we had to make some emergency repairs. Only about 2 hours to go now, but we were knackered, hot and dehydrated. The last leg of the journey was awful, stuck behind trucks doing 20mph for 40mins.

Finally we arrived in Lindau, a small island on a lake in Germany right on the Austrian and Swiss borders. We had an AirBnb booked but couldn’t find the place or the parking. We went round and round for a while and then bumped into the owners luckily.

The room is a little basic, no shower, toilet, WiFi, etc. But it was welcome still after the 9 hour bike ride.

We freshened up and went for some food and was served by a bad tempered boss eyed waitress. We weren’t sure is she was shouting at us or not so we claimed ignorance.
Annoyingly, sat next to us were two kids who were spitting images of The Proclaimers and they were just as annoying…

Afterwards Steve took Mark for a march around the island in complete darkness and we obviously got lost. Everywhere was closed so we decided that maybe sleep was the best thing and found our way back to the apartment before collapsing.

Day 2 - Luxembourg

We got up late for breakfast and went back into town to find somewhere to eat only to find everywhere closed. The belgiums must all still be recovering from the huge football victory yesterday.

Eventually we found a place and ordered some pancakes. Whilst there, one of the guys who runs the place came back with a bag full of pastries for the rest of the staff from another shop; they don't even eat their own food!

We left them too it and got on the bikes to head to our next destination. Mark still had no idea where we were going and frequently asked Steve what country we were in.

The roads were quick as we headed to Luxembourg and we made good time, although Steve's sat nav kept playing up and rebooting at every junction.

We stopped in Dinant for dinner, a stunning town set on a river overlooked by a church on a huge rock. We tried to sit in the shade but the sun moved to boil us at every opportunity. People walking past did give us strange looks as we sat in the sun in black leather outfits!

After lunch we pushed on and found some awesome mountain passes in Luxembourg (I think), and then rain hit. The brilliant amazing twisty roads through the trees turned into a scary test of grip. 

Downhill heavy braking in the wet on very smooth roads covered in wet leaves wasn't fun.

We stopped for a break in some town in one of the nearby countries where there was the best castle ever. It was made more sinister looking with the mist surrounding it and the dark skies.

After the pitstop the rain stopped and the roads were easier, albeit still wet but it wasn't long until we arrived in Trier in Germany.

After freshening up we found an old 2000 year old building which we admired from a nearby bar.

Following food we decided to find a nice square to have a drink in and realised that there are about a million squares here. We picked one and Steve ordered a red drink this time which matched the mood lighting.
By the time he'd finished his drink he looked like Dale Winton after two weeks in Dubai!

Back at the hotel we found a games room, so played fusbal, where Steve won a nail-biting game 3-2. We then moved onto pool and again Steve took the victory. Not a sore loser, Mark suggested boxing next but instead we called it a night.

Day 1 - Belgium

It’s touring time again, and this year Steve and Mark are heading across Europe on their bikes (and not a Fiat 500!). Mark has no idea where he’s going and plans to just follow Steve who has planned the route in fine detail.

We met up at a petrol station near the motorway at 7:30am, and Steve had already had a disaster, the heat had made his knee slider fall off, and also when he’d put his leathers on, he found out that he may have put on some weight since last year as the press stud holding them together pinged across the room!

On our way we made good time on the boring trip to Folkstone to catch the Chunnel. We stopped for fuel and a guy came over to check out our bikes. He said that he used to be a biker until he met his wife and had kids and had to have something more sensible. We looked over and he was driving a million pound Carrera GT; the 600hp monster that killed Paul Walker and was also crashed by Rowan Atkinson and Lewis Hamilton’s dad. He was on his way to Goodward Festival of Speed to race on the track. Despite him loving our bikes, he didn’t want to swap though.

We stopped for a drink at the services and while we were there a crazy guy was walking around the shop playing shit music out of his blue tooth speaker telling people that "music was coming from his pocket". He was still there when we left, it's probably what he does everyday.

We arrived at the port/station early in hope of catching the earlier train, but in true British style the trains were delayed. So we were left stood in the baking heat in our Leathers for an hour until we eventually got underway.

Once in France we hit the road and immediately headed for Belgium but opted to stop for lunch on the way. Not having ridden the bikes for a while was taking its toll on our wrists, and needed wrist strength akin to a lonely teenage boy.
We stopped at a French sandwich shop and ordered a small sandwich each. Instead we got a 2 foot long buagette which mostly fell on the floor.

We arrived in Mons and checked into our hotel. It was nice but the room was strangely layed out. It was a small place but still there were 2 stools, a table and two chairs. We felt that it would have been improved if the owners could just stop buying furniture for 5 mins and gave us somewhere to actually stand instead. Even the toilet had a chair in it so that someone could sit and watch you have a shit!

We'd arrived during the England vs Belgium 3rd place game of the world Cup. As the game was unimportant we opted to not wear our football shirts and went to the local town Square. Good move. There were about a million Belgium people running around celebrating their win like they'd won the cup, massive big screens showed the game, lots of temporary bars, it was crazy.

We put on German accents and ordered some beer and watched them celebrate for several hours. To be fair it's probably the most exciting thing that's happened in Belgium in 20 years.

Later we moved to a nice looking bar and Steve called over the waitress and asked if they served beer. She gave a strange look and then opened up the menu which had 5 pages of every beer you can imagine. We stayed there for a while.

After a nice steak we headed back to the hotel for a nightcap and somehow ended up drinking girly pink beer. Best call it a night